son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.