A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
😂😂
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.