“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”