*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Can. I. Help. You.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I missed you with all my darts
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
#Caturday
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.