7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The first matador