stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Leaving the Barbers like
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.