After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.