[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.