My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[eulogy]
line?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!