Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.