women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You Might Also Like
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat