In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
You Might Also Like
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work