My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Carpe DM
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
mom gave me mine for free
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.