My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
For those that worship cheese..
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item