Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The future is now.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.