if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
He wanted to make sure😂
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”