[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational