Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.