But I really needed water water water
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?