8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
hmm conte-me mais
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Time for evil
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.