Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’ve had relationships like this
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
😩😩😩
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie