My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.