the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…