My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Love is always patient and kind.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….