Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Same pineapple, same