My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.