The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.