*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I know a bad idea when I see one.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”