One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi