Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You Might Also Like
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Sunday
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.