*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over