FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
It be like that sometimes 😆
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Oh. My. God.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.