Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The happy life.. 😊
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Had an epiphany today.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and