always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
this is the best day of my life
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too