People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Okey dokey.
this is funnier than any friends episode
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
A wise man once said nothing.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.