Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot