me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.