Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
This fish is cracking me up
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”