[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
🚲+physics = winner
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Every haunted house movie:
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish