I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
How your email finds me
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q