[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Become ungovernable.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no