When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Webb. James Webb.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace