Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Happy Febuary everyone!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.