I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere