My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one