My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket