me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.