Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.