[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
some Old Testament wisdom
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Saturday
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?