Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
the icebreaker
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself